Some people leave dates feeling misunderstood. They see themselves as warm, kind, and engaging, yet repeatedly receive feedback that they come across as opinionated, overpowering, or self-centered. Take Ozer, who considers himself a genuinely nice guy and is always ready to help a friend. Yet over the past year, three women told him they didn’t feel there was enough room for them on the date. One said she felt “squashed.” Another felt he spent more time talking about himself than getting to know her. A third said he was much better at talking than listening.
Ozer is frustrated because he’s certain he came to each date wanting a genuine connection. In his mind, he was interested in what his dates had to say. He feels judged and rejected for the simple “crime” of being himself. So who’s right? In many ways, both are. Ozer genuinely means well and probably is every bit as kind as he believes himself to be. The problem isn’t his intentions. It’s that he doesn’t realize how he’s coming across. He isn’t controlling, arrogant, or self-centered, but some of his behaviors unintentionally leave that impression—and that’s unfortunate.
Strong Character and Strong Opinions
There’s nothing inherently wrong with having a strong character or strong opinions. But when it comes to dating – especially at the beginning – it can get in the way. You may get judged – misjudged? – as pushy or arrogant, as self-centered or obnoxious. Ozer may simply be a little too passionate or enthusiastic or excitable. Without intending to, he sucks up all the oxygen and leaves his date feeling overwhelmed and suffocated rather than included. This can happen in several overlapping ways:
Overpowering – Some people speak with such intensity and certainty that they unintentionally overwhelm others. What feels like enthusiasm to them can sound commanding to someone else. “Creamers has the best ice cream. You absolutely have to go there.” Or, “I wouldn’t listen to Dr. Smith. He talks complete nonsense. Anyone who listens to him has got to be crazy.” Usually there’s no intention to control anyone—it simply comes across that way.
Hyper-talkative – Some people talk a lot. They just seem to have a never-ending supply of words. And they want to get everyone of those words out. They have a lot to say, and a strong desire to say them. Not everyone is cool with that, and that’s okay. But the problem is the person being subjected to the over-talking doesn’t dislike the person doing it. They like hearing them talk, and find much of what they say fascinating. They just wished that the person figured out how to let in their words edgewise. They don’t mind their sharing, but just not a full-on verbal avalanche.
Dismissive – Some people become so convinced of their opinions that they unintentionally leave little room for someone else’s. Dating isn’t about winning debates. It’s about understanding each other. Whenever possible, validate the other person’s perspective before offering your own. Being “right” for a moment is rarely worth making your date feel unheard.
Authoritative – Sometimes people unintentionally present their opinions as settled facts. Statements like, “I’ve studied this extensively. I’m telling you this is how it is,” can leave little room for dialogue. People who speak this way rarely truly believe that the other person isn’t entitled to their opinion, but that is how they can come across. Even if you genuinely know more about a topic, dating works best when both people feel their thoughts are welcome.
Some people are naturally more expressive, enthusiastic, or opinionated than others. It’s to make sure your personality doesn’t unintentionally crowd out someone else’s.
Finding the Balance
Two important principles can sometimes seem to pull in opposite directions:
You’re not on a date to meet yourself. You’re not there simply to express yourself or entertain yourself. You’re there to create an opportunity for connection with another person. That means your choices during the conversation should be guided not primarily by what you enjoy saying, but by whether they help build a positive interaction.
You’re entitled to be yourself on a date. Dating isn’t about putting on a performance or pretending to be someone you’re not. It’s important that your real personality comes through. The person you’re dating needs to get to know the real you—not a carefully edited version designed simply to succeed in shidduchim.
These two ideas can sometimes feel as though they conflict. In reality, healthy dating requires both. The goal isn’t to choose one over the other, but to express your personality in a way that also allows the other person to feel comfortable, heard, and included. The following principles can help you find that balance.
A Guide for Finding the Balance
Stage of dating. Your date doesn’t need to see every aspect of your personality all at once. That’s what the dating process is for. As the relationship develops, people naturally become more comfortable and relaxed with one another. Early on, focus on helping the other person feel at ease, even if that means holding back a little. There will be plenty of opportunities later for your full personality to emerge naturally. Let the other person get to know you gradually.
How central is it to who you are? Some opinions genuinely reflect your core values and are an important part of your identity. Others simply happen to interest you. Before launching into a passionate discussion, ask yourself whether this topic is important enough to risk creating unnecessary friction. If politics or another issue is truly central to who you are, it’s reasonable that it comes up. But many contentious opinions simply don’t need to be turned into an issue during dating.
Preemptive communication. If you know you naturally come across strongly, mention it yourself. Explain that you’re enthusiastic by nature and genuinely enjoy hearing other people’s perspectives, but you’re also aware that your personality can sometimes come across more strongly than you intend. Invite your date to let you know if you ever seem to dominate the conversation. Creating that openness early makes honest communication much easier later.
Listen first—but really listen. Make a habit of asking for the other person’s opinion before sharing your own. Give them enough space to fully express themselves rather than waiting for your turn to speak. Ask thoughtful follow-up questions to encourage your date to fully articulate themselves. Only once they’ve had the opportunity to feel heard should you offer your own perspective.
Check in with your date. Don’t assume your date will interrupt if they have something to say. Make a conscious effort to notice whether they’re fully participating in the conversation. Pause occasionally to ask what they’re thinking or whether they’d like to add something. Sometimes the best way to show confidence isn’t by saying more—it’s by making someone else feel comfortable enough to speak.
Conclusion
We all have different personalities, and that’s a good thing. Some people are naturally more expressive, enthusiastic, or opinionated than others. The goal isn’t to become quieter or less authentic. It’s to make sure your personality doesn’t unintentionally crowd out someone else’s. When your date feels heard, respected, and genuinely included, your confidence becomes an asset rather than an obstacle.
Your date shouldn’t leave thinking, “I know a lot about you… but you barely know me.” Ask yourself: “Am I being curious and making space for the person I’m dating?”
