Shlomo and Sarah had been dating for a few months, and their connection was strong. They shared values, goals, and could talk about almost anything, but there was one area where they felt tension: money.
Sarah came from a family where financial struggles were the norm. Her parents frequently fought over money—her mother was always anxious about bills, and her father was defensive when it was discussed. For Sarah, money represented stress, fear, and arguments. She was apprehensive that discussing money with Shlomo would risk the whole relationship.
Shlomo had grown up in a financially comfortable home, and money was never a source of stress for him. He didn’t want to bring up money if it would make Sarah uncomfortable, so he avoided the conversation altogether.
But both recognized that avoiding the topic could cause problems later on, so they did start having conversations about their money backgrounds and philosophies. They shared their values, priorities, fears, and dreams around saving, spending, investing, and giving—which, not surprisingly, were quite different considering their respective experiences with money.
You Have to Talk About Money, Even If It’s Uncomfortable
It was uncomfortable at first, but they soon realized that listening to and trying to understand each other’s perspectives brought great clarity and acceptance. They didn’t have to agree on everything. What mattered was the open dialogue and the willingness to come up with shared solutions.
Through their conversation, they learned a lot about each other and themselves. For instance:
- Sarah realized she was worth spending money on. She had always thought treating herself was selfish, but talking with Shlomo helped her see that it’s okay to enjoy life’s little luxuries without guilt.
- Shlomo understood why Sarah hesitated before spending on non-essentials. While Shlomo had always enjoyed spending on experiences, Sarah’s upbringing had made her cautious, fearing financial instability. She helped him see how his carefree spending could feel irresponsible to her.
- Sarah feared Shlomo’s spending would lead to trouble. Her experiences with financial stress made her worry that Shlomo’s relaxed attitude could put them in debt. But she realized that he just valued experiences over possessions—and they could find a balance.
- Shlomo became aware of how his talk about luxury travel came across. Sharing his trips had become second nature, but he realized it made Sarah feel disconnected. He understood that they could still talk about his experiences without making her feel it was out of reach.
They also realized that being on the same exact page all the time financially wasn’t necessary, or even possible. What mattered was that they could talk about money openly, respect each other’s views, and that they are good at finding common ground.
People vary in how they think about money, and this is a potentially sensitive topic when it comes to dating. Don’t avoid the topic.
These conversations brought them closer, giving them a deeper understanding of each other’s values and priorities. They now knew that while they couldn’t foresee their financial future, they had a strong relationship and the requisite communication skills to successfully navigate such conversations together. They had actually experienced having these conversations and were not just hoping that they could handle them.
Reflect First: Know Your Own Money Philosophy
Before diving into a conversation about money, first reflect on your own approach to issues relating to money and spending. There are many different ways of approaching finances. Having clearly thought-out ideas will greatly improve your ability to hold meaningful and thoughtful discussions.
Reflecting on finances may bring up all sorts of emotions, including negative ones. You might feel anger toward your parents for how they dealt with money in the family, or frustration about community values around money. While these feelings are real, at this time, the point is to understand how your experiences have shaped your financial beliefs and attitudes.
Here are some questions to help guide your reflections. These are the same questions you can discuss on the date:
- How do you feel about debt? Are you comfortable taking on debt, or do you avoid it as much as possible?
- What are your financial priorities? Is it security, freedom, or maybe investing in experiences or education?
- What’s worth splurging on? Is it experiences like vacations, dining out, or something else?
- What’s worth forgoing to save for something bigger? Are you willing to make short-term sacrifices for long-term goals?
- How do you feel about financial safety vs. financial adventure? Do you prefer security, or are you comfortable with taking financial risks?
- What kind of lifestyle do you want to build together? This can include everything from how you spend money on housing to how you plan for vacations.
- How do you feel about tzedakah and giving? Does charity play a role in your financial life?
- What are your thoughts about a couple sharing the financial burden, or is this something that should be borne by the man?
- Where did you get your ideas around money – family, friends, community, podcasts, etc.?
A helpful way to kickstart these reflections – which will also make it easier to have conversations on the date – is by taking a “money personality” quiz. It may help you pinpoint many valuable aspects of your attitude towards finances and money-related habits. This will provide a helpful basis for a discussion about your values and priorities.
Have the Conversations
Once you’ve reflected on your financial outlook, it’s time to start the conversations. This isn’t something to rush through, nor is it likely to be a one-time discussion. It’s something you can revisit throughout your dating journey.
As you talk about money, it’s important to tune into how you feel during and after the conversation. Here are some things to pay attention to:
- How did the conversation go? Were you able to share openly, or were you made to feel defensive, anxious, or uncomfortable? If the conversation triggered discomfort, ask yourself whether that discomfort came from your own past experiences or from how the discussion was handled.
- Did you feel heard and respected? Even if you disagreed on some points, did you feel that your perspective was understood and validated? How did your partner respond to your views? Were they open-minded, or did they get defensive?
- Did the conversation make you question your compatibility? It’s natural to have different financial priorities, but are they ones you can readily compromise on or will they store up issues in the future?
- Did you learn new perspectives? Maybe your partner had a completely different way of viewing money that opened your eyes to a new way of thinking. Did you learn more about what they truly value and why?
- Would you handle the conversation the same way next time, or would you do things differently? Did you both have enough space to fully express yourselves, or did either of you hold back out of fear or discomfort?
- Most importantly, how did the conversation leave you feeling? Did the discussion bring you closer? Did you feel more connected and aligned after discussing your values and priorities, even if you didn’t agree on everything?
While money talks can be tough, they offer an opportunity to grow together
For Shlomo and Sarah, their money conversations didn’t happen overnight, and they weren’t easy. But through open dialogue, they grew closer, even when they didn’t agree on everything. These discussions gave them the sense that they’d be able to approach future financial challenges with understanding and respect.
While money talks can be tough, they offer an opportunity to grow together—and that’s priceless.
