“Did he really just say that?”
Choni and Yaffa have met five times, and their relationship was growing. Both were becoming increasingly convinced that “this is the one.” Then, things took a turn for the worse when Choni said, “I need my space.” Yaffa instantly felt the world crashing down on her head: “What?! I have literally shared everything with this guy, and now he says he needs his space?!” Yaffa instantly withdrew and started to question everything. Choni sensed that something had shifted, that something was wrong, but he couldn’t work out what had just happened.
What if that was one big misunderstanding? Sadly, a significant number of potentially successful relationships end due to misunderstandings.
Causes of misunderstanding
There are all sorts of reasons why misunderstandings happen. They generally fall into one of two headings:
Unclear communication – Noone gets it right every time. In dating, there is a lot of communication happening. Thousands of words and bits of information are shared, and so many hours of talking. Even if a person gets the communication right 99.9% of the time, something will come out wrong. And, let’s be honest, many people are going to misspeak more than once in a thousand times they are talking. Why are we surprised when there is some misunderstanding during dating?!
Mistaken comprehension – However well we listen, and despite the best of intentions, inevitably, we will occasionally understand incorrectly. Again, even if we accurately understand what is being said 99.9% of the time, that still makes it beyond likely that there will be some moment during the course of dating when we will get our comprehension wrong. Why are we surprised when there is some misunderstanding during dating?!
Inevitably, we will occasionally understand incorrectly. Even if we accurately understand 99.9% of the time, there will be some moment during the course of dating when we will comprehend wrong.
Misunderstandings of both varieties can happen at any stage of the dating process. It is especially common at the beginning of dating, when a) the couple is new to each other and has not had a chance to figure out each other’s communication styles, and b) they are sharing an inordinate amount of information in a very short space of time. In numerical terms, the highest proportion of misunderstanding happen during the first dates.
However, the saddest is when misunderstandings occur when the couple is already at a more serious stage of the relationship. The hurt and the disappointment are more intense. The loss is also far greater, as – by this stage – it’s looking like the relationship has real potential. Damaging misunderstandings are never good, but they are most unfortunate when they undo something meaningful.
So, what can be done about it?
“Please explain what you meant by that”
People involved in dating (the same is for people in marriages, but that’s for another time) need to learn how to respond to comments they find hurtful or confusing by seeking clarification. Some comments are so extreme that there really is no coming back from them. But for the most part, it is best to check whether you really understood the other’s intent before making a final determination.
It’s important not to dismiss the hurt you feel; unaddressed pain tends to fester and poison a relationship. But it’s just as important not to assume the worst and walk away. Misunderstandings are common, and healthy relationships require a willingness to work through them. The best way to do that is by responding: “Please explain what you meant by that,” or “I’d like to check that I understood you correctly.” This can bring you more clarity. You won’t know unless you ask.
It’s possible that you understood him correctly. And if what you heard feels unacceptable to you, that information matters. You may realize that you don’t want a lifelong relationship with someone who values personal space more than shared connection. On the flip, by checking for clarification, you may find that what felt hurtful was actually a misunderstanding. Either his words didn’t come out as intended, or they landed differently than he meant. Despite the stinging feeling, it’s important to give communication a chance.
Clearing the air
Yaffa could take the first step to open the conversation and seek clarification. Yaffa, for example, could have asked a gentle question like, “I’m not sure if I understood you correctly; what do you mean by ‘need space’?” Rather than making assumptions, she could choose to seek clarity.
Now, let’s walk through this scenario using the two kinds of misunderstandings we mentioned above and see how this simple check-in might clear things up and restore harmony.
Unclear communication – From her question, Choni understands that Yaffa is bothered by what he had said, and is grateful for the opportunity to clarify: “I get the sense that what I said didn’t come out the way I meant it. I know I sometimes fumble my words when I’m stressed or excited, and I’d really like a chance to clarify what I was trying to say.” By owning his mistake, he opens the door for honest conversation. He thanks Yaffa for the opportunity to better explain what he was trying to say. He is able to make it clear that he hadn’t formulated his thoughts clearly, and he recognizes how his comment could have been hurtful. He can then offer a meaningful apology for causing upset.
Choni then explains his real intention: he’s trying to say that his vision of a relationship is one where two confident, independent people choose to make each other a priority, without losing themselves completely in the process. He shares an example of a friend who got married and gradually lost touch with his friends, family, and the activities he loved before the relationship. Choni clarifies, “I didn’t mean that people need space from each other; I just mean that it’s important to hold onto your own identity.”
Mistaken comprehension – From her question, Choni realizes that there has been a misunderstanding. He reassures Yaffa that he was not looking to pull away, saying, “I realize the way I said that might have come across like I’m pulling away, and that’s not at all what I meant. I want to assure you that I’m still as positive and enthusiastic as before.” He then explains that he was actually referring to focusing on the relationship, that he needed time to process their many close-together dates because of the intensity of dating.
Whichever the scenario, Yaffa realizes that she had misunderstood what Choni was trying to say. She feels relieved and is even more drawn to the man she has grown to like and respect. He’s shown himself to be a real mensch—taking responsibility for his ‘mis-statement’, offering reassurance, and apologizing sincerely. Both know that this is the type of communication that makes for a great relationship.
Conclusion
Many worthy dating relationships would succeed if we simply pause and take a moment to understand each other better. We owe it to ourselves—and to those we date—to give communication a real chance to work its magic. Dating can be challenging, but by asking questions and clarifying intentions, we greatly increase our chances of establishing a strong, lasting connection.
