In an ideal world, a person can find someone to marry who fits with every single one of their preferences. In reality, the only people who manage to achieve that are people who have few expectations. As it turns out, it’s no major loss, as marital happiness is not predicated on getting everything you want. Success in marriage is about securing compatibility on the vital qualities, such as good communication, suitable values, and satisfactory attraction.
Success in marriage also doesn’t require that there be full compatibility even on the vital issues – and there almost never is. When it comes to marital happiness, what counts is overall compatibility: the sum total of just how well the two people are suited to each other, bring the best out of each other, get along together, and are able to be there for each other in ways that count.
Dealbreakers: Some things are red lines
That said, some things really are non-starters or dealbreakers—clear, non-negotiable red lines that can’t be compromised. Dealbreakers are core needs, values, or expectations that matter so deeply, they outweigh all other positives—no matter how compatible the match might seem otherwise, moving forward just wouldn’t make sense. It’s important to be clear in your own mind why this qualifies as a genuine dealbreaker—and that it truly aligns with your values and needs.
A dealbreaker trumps all other qualities. Regular preferences are about balancing a relative positive against a relative negative—that means comparing the good and the not-so-good, knowing neither is perfect. For example, a relative positive might be someone’s great sense of humor, while a relative negative could be that they’re not very tidy. You put the pluses in the “positives” column and the minuses in the “negatives” column and decide if the positives outweigh the negatives overall. But if a dealbreaker isn’t met, no matter how many positives someone has, that one negative dealbreaker can’t be overlooked because it’s something you simply won’t accept under any circumstances.
To illustrate: if you have a deal breaker that you are not willing to move countries, then it doesn’t matter how many wonderful things you hear about the other, the shidduch is not going to happen. You can only weigh up the qualities of the proposed date if there are no genuine non-negotiable issues to stop you from proceeding.
Dealbreakers are core needs, values, or expectations that matter so deeply, they outweigh all other positives—no matter how compatible the match might seem otherwise, moving forward just wouldn’t make sense.
What’s a dealbreaker to you?
It is common during dating that people are confronted with something they are not keen on, and they have to decide whether that is a reason to end the shidduch. Deciding whether to overlook some less-than-desired quality or feature becomes significant when there is otherwise a strong level of interest. Now you need to decide how to approach the one or more issues that make you question the suitability of the shidduch.
Some examples:
You dream of living in Israel, yet she is unwilling to make aliya.
He is a smoker, and you take a very dim view of smoking.
She has a rocky relationship with her mother, and you’re concerned that she is emotionally unstable.
She dresses very conventionally, and you feel that she lacks style.
He lied to you, and you’re unsure whether to accept his apology.
She hurt your feelings, and you’re struggling to let go of the upset.
Do you regard these things as non-starters or dealbreakers? If yes, then it doesn’t matter how many positive aspects you like about the other person. If they are not dealbreakers for you, then you are back to assessing overall compatibility.
You need to decide if you can live with those characteristics or concerns. If they represent absolute red lines for you, then you’re not going to forgo them even if there are other aspects that you regard as highly appealing.
On the other hand, if the issues giving you concern aren’t non-negotiables, then you could decide that the pluses outweigh the minuses. You may be disappointed about that one thing, but overall, you will feel good about the shidduch. So long as you consider the merits greater than the demerits, you should feel satisfied with what the relationship has to offer.
It’s okay to figure things out as you go along
While you may be clear about some non-negotiables before you meet a particular shidduch, often you won’t know to even consider the issue until confronted with it. For example, you may not have thought to inquire whether the person is a smoker, as you don’t know a single person who smokes. You didn’t list smoking as an issue, not because you are okay with it, but because you considered it completely obvious.
You may not have given much thought to where you’d want to settle down, but now that you are confronted with a realistic prospect of emigrating, you come to realize that you are not willing to change countries. So, even if you didn’t consider something as a red line issue before you met, it may still turn out to be so once you are confronted with it. A dealbreaker isn’t specific to a particular shidduch; it is something that you would be unwilling to consider regardless of who you were dating. If so, it may be something to include in your resume or to communicate with a shadchan going forward.
A dealbreaker for real
While you should feel empowered to be clear about what you are looking for in a spouse, it is important to only consider something a dealbreaker when it truly is. Some people are prone to treat way too many things as dealbreakers, motivated by fear and anxiety, by overthinking or perfectionism. Not everything that gives you some degree of discomfort is a dealbreaker. It can be challenging for some people to figure out when something should be treated as a genuine non-negotiable. Taking sound advice is highly recommended.
Additionally, misunderstandings occur all the time. Before determining that something is a dealbreaker, make sure that there really is no room for compromise or a creative solution. Something can only be declared a no-go once it is clear that the final lines have been drawn.
