Dating is the process of discovery, getting to know the other person bit by bit. Naturally, there are moments when we don’t have all the answers—about who they are, why they do what they do, and how they think, or where the relationship is heading. These unknowns can make us uncomfortable. When there are gaps in our knowledge, our brain tries to fill them. Unfortunately, we may fill these gaps with negative thoughts that distort how we see the person and the potential of the relationship.
Filling the Gaps with Negative Narratives
Our brains are wired to protect us, so when we encounter the unknown, they sometimes fill the void with worst-case scenarios—all in the name of keeping us safe. For example, if someone isn’t ready to talk about their relationship with their father just yet, we might assume something nefarious is going on. Or if someone is deeply passionate about their quirky hobby, we might infer they are immature. If they cancel a date, we may assume they aren’t interested anymore. These narratives often stem from our own fears, insecurities, or past experiences, rather than anything solid. And yet, they can quickly spiral, causing us to question the relationship without real reason.
If we find yourself thinking phrases like “If this, then it must be that,” or “I can tell that…,” or “When they did or said that, it must mean…,” or “They should have done this, but didn’t, so it must mean…,” then we might be inferring and making assumptions about the situation.
The danger of making up these negative stories is that they cloud our judgment. What begins as a small gap in our understanding can balloon into a major issue in our minds because we’ve filled it with our worst fears. Over time, these assumptions can color everything else we learn about them, which prevents us from seeing the other person clearly.
More so, once we fill the gap with a negative story, it doesn’t end there. Our emotions quickly follow, attaching themselves to the story we concocted. If we convince ourselves that someone is losing interest, we might start feeling anxious, disappointed, or even hurt. If we decide someone is immature, we begin noticing more behaviors that seem to confirm it (known as ‘confirmation bias’). These emotions make the story feel even more real, further reinforcing the negative narrative. It becomes a vicious cycle—our assumption fuels emotional responses, making it harder to see the truth or to have a productive conversation about it.
These emotions are also difficult to shake off. Even if we later learn that our assumption was wrong, the emotional residue lingers and leaves a mark on the relationship. The longer we allow emotions to attach to these false narratives, the harder it becomes to let go and see the relationship with a fresh perspective. This is why it’s so important to resist the urge to immediately fill in the gaps with negative assumptions or inferences.
We might think that our gut instinct or past experiences are helping us “figure things out”. But often, we’re just jumping to the wrong conclusions without all the information. It takes time to truly understand someone, and our assumptions can get in the way of that process if we’re not careful.
Choosing Curiosity Over Assumption
When encountering such an unknown or knowledge gap, instead of letting our imaginations run wild with all sorts of made-up scenarios, it’s important to slow down and sit in the discomfort of not knowing. While this might feel unsettling, embracing curiosity allows us to approach the unknown with openness instead of fear, with leaning in rather than pulling back. When something doesn’t make sense or feels unclear, rather than assuming the worst, we can ask questions and engage in open conversation.
When we focus on real understanding instead of jumping to conclusions, we can avoid the trap of reacting to stories we’ve made up in our heads.
Instead of reacting to what we think is happening, it is better to seek wise counsel to ensure we are not reading too much into what we think is going on. These consultations will hopefully also better prepare us to have the eventual conversation with our date. Bringing up our concerns on a date might be uncomfortable, but it’s essential to making informed decisions about the relationship.
From open and vulnerable conversations, we may find out that the other person feels it is too soon in the relationship to talk about how busy with community work their father was and didn’t develop a close relationship. Or how much joy and family closeness their hobby brings. Or, that they had to cancel the date due to a family emergency that they preferred to keep private at that time.
Ultimately, by choosing curiosity over assumption and conversation over inference, we create a more stable foundation for any relationship. Allowing space for the unknown, rather than rushing to fill it with negative stories, gives both parties the chance to develop strong communication —an essential element for marriage.
