Dovid and Shaina had been going strong. The dates were easy, the conversation flowed, and they were both beginning to feel comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings. Then one evening, during a discussion about a significant decision, Shaina said, “I‘ll talk this out with my mother.”
Dovid instinctively thought to himself: “So, that’s how it works with her: she needs her mother to make decisions. One of those cases where there’s a third party in the marriage. Why can’t she talk it out with me?” Dovid began to see himself withdraw in hurt.
This is exactly the moment where misunderstandings and assumptions can harden. One small comment, left unchecked, can grow into a major rift. Thankfully, instead of running with his imagination, Dovid chose to ask.
“When you say you like to talk things out with your mother, what does that usually look like?” he gently asked.
Shaina understood that Dovid was asking out of concern. She was glad to explain what she meant: “My mother’s a good listener. Right now, talking with my mother helps me think through decisions. But ultimately, my husband will be the person I talk things out with.”
Dovid felt reassured. Her words didn’t signal enmeshment—they reflected a healthy support system. By asking for clarity instead of filling in the blanks, he avoided misunderstanding, and they gained a better understanding of each other.
Why We Fill in the Gaps and How Misunderstandings Take Root
Misunderstandings or inaccurate assumptions not only come from words, they can also come from actions – or even from things that didn’t happen, like an expected message that never arrived or a plan that wasn’t followed through. Sometimes we assume intentions that don’t exist. Relying on inference instead of checking in can cause a minor thing to spiral into something way bigger.
We often interpret words and actions through our own lens—shaped by our past experiences, expectations, or the meanings we’ve attached to similar situations. A simple comment can trigger memories of something that happened before or connect with beliefs we already have about relationships. Even little things—tone of voice, timing, or phrasing—can get exaggerated in our heads. (Actually, the assumptions we make often tell us more about ourselves than about the other person.)
Sometimes, the story we’ve spun can feel so real, and we let the story in our head guide our response. We might withdraw emotionally, overanalyze every detail, or respond defensively in ways that escalate tension. Sometimes we avoid further interaction, cancel plans, or even decide to step away from the relationship entirely. These reactions can make a small misunderstanding feel bigger than it is and harder to resolve.
Misunderstandings and assumptions can harden. One small comment, left unchecked, can grow into a major rift.
It is always better to address an issue at the level of communication, rather than at the level of fallout. It is so much easier and more effective to clear things up and avoid hurt than it is to deal with hard feelings that have taken root.
Second Bite of the Cherry
It may even be that Shaina was unwise in what she said. Given where they were in their relationship, it may indeed have been insensitive to bring up her mother. They had already had a deep and meaningful conversation on the topic, and that comment left Dovid out in the cold.
In reality, people sometimes get it wrong on the first try. Many people are new to dating and haven’t yet figured out how to handle certain kinds of communication. Perhaps they haven’t had the opportunity to fully think through a topic like this, or they’re still getting used to the idea of having a significant other with whom to discuss it. When these topics come up, they may be figuring things out in real time—and their first attempt doesn’t always come out quite right.
So even if you rightly object to what was said, it can still be reasonable to allow the other person a chance to remedy the situation. In relationships, as in life, we are often figuring things out as we go.
Asking for Clarity: Curiosity Over Assumption
Despite the benefit of asking for clarity, some of us find it hard to do. We might worry that asking questions will make us seem insecure or overly sensitive, or fear that we’re overreacting to something minor. Asking for clarity isn’t the same as confronting, accusing, or being needy; it’s about self-respect, emotional maturity, and giving the relationship a fair chance. Staying quiet may feel safer in the moment, but it allows misunderstandings to harden, turning what could have been a simple conversation into a much larger emotional story.
Asking for clarity doesn’t have to be confrontational or dramatic. Gentle, curious phrasing invites honest communication without judgment. We can say things like, “Can you help me understand what you meant?” or “I want to make sure I didn’t misunderstand.” Even something like, “When you said ___, what did that mean for you?” or “I’m curious—can you explain that a little more?” shows that we care about understanding the other person, not attacking them.
These moments of potential misunderstanding are opportunities to learn. They show how each of us reacts, how we navigate uncertainty together, and how willing we are to communicate. Practicing clarity in these smaller moments prepares us to handle the bigger challenges that inevitably arise in relationships.
Key Takeaways
- Misunderstandings can happen anytime, even when intentions are good.
- Asking questions before assumptions harden builds trust and understanding.
- Using gentle, curious language keeps the conversation safe and productive.
- Small moments of clarity are training for navigating bigger challenges in dating and relationships.
