99% vs 100% Commitment

  1. The minute you commit 100%, if it's the right person, all the little stuff goes away. All of a sudden you opt into this person for life, so you put effort into growing, nurturing, etc
  2. If there's ever a time where you think about letting something slide or harboring negative feelings and not bring them up, it's because somewhere inside you are anticipating a day where you might not be together. A day where you ultimately marry your perfect non existent dream partner and they're perfect and wouldn't do “x”. In reality, if you commit to the person 100%, you realize the value in sharing your feelings, in working through issues, in accepting and even loving minor personality differences. This is where the good communication becomes important.

Tools for 100% Commitment

How do I know if I should commit 100%?
Read this article.

Couple Bubbling
From Wired for Love
  • There are 3 parties in any relationship: partner 1, partner 2, and the relationship itself.
  • When you opt into a relationship, you commit to keeping all three parties healthy (and ideally thriving!)
  • An important tool for this is the concept of couple bubbling: keeping you, your partner, and your relationship protected in a little bubble from the rest of the world.
  • How to do it: Anticipate each other's needs. I know my partner gets nervous in certain situations, so I make sure I'm by his side the whole time. My partner knows I love going out, so even though they love it less they encourage me or even put their own comfort aside to go out with me.
  • What it's not about: doing things you hate all the time. Think of it with a “win-win” mindset: how can I turn this into a win?
  • Normal Person Example:
    • I hate getting dressed up and going to social events. My partner on the other hand is really energized by it. My partner forces me to go out with them, I am annoyed the whole night. They have a bad time because I'm annoyed, I have a bad time because I'm there and know I'm making them upset. This happens repeatedly.
  • #DateWell Example:
    • I hate getting dressed up and going to social events. My partner on the other hand is really energized by it. We both care about each other's feelings, so we have a fun deal: every time we go out my partner wears something sexy under their dress clothes. They also make sure to hang with me most the night and bring me into any conversations. I fully commit to helping them have the best night, and try to enjoy myself as well.

Us vs. The Problem
  • We may have made this one up (?), but we use it all the time. It's a simple concept: it's us vs. the problem. Not you vs. me. Not me and my parents vs. you. Not your friends and you vs. me. Not my job and me vs. you. Us vs. the problem. Us vs. the world.
  • With this mindset, you're reminded of each other's humanity. And if you've committed 100% to each other, you are ready to solve any problem that stands in the way of your three relationship parties: you, your partner, and the relationship.
  • Normal Person Example:
    • Partner 1: I don't want to go to your friends for dinner. They're always rude to me and you act different around them. Please don't make me go.
    • Partner 2: That's so mean, you know how close I am to them. You're going. End of story.
    • *both are unhappy and annoyed*
  • #DateWell Example:
    • Partner 1: I know you want to go to your friends for dinner, but you know how I feel about them and I'd love help with an “us against the problem” mindset
    • Partner 2: Cool, thanks for letting me know. Definitely “us against the problem.” Let's see what we can do to make this a good outcome for both of us.
    • *they figure it out because two brains are better than one and they are communicating, and realistically, 80% of the solution is just knowing that their partner understands how they feel about this person and is empathizing with them while they are out: that someone next to them is caring for them and thinking about them!*